


The Mirror Poem

by TwistedRocketPower



Series: The Serenity Prayer [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Fluff, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2017-08-11
Packaged: 2018-12-14 03:10:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11774268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwistedRocketPower/pseuds/TwistedRocketPower
Summary: If there is one thing that Phil had learned since he met Dan, it’s how to recognize when a smile is genuine, and when it isn’t.





	The Mirror Poem

_ “Never trust a mirror, for a mirror always lies, _

_ it makes you think that all you’re worth,  _

_ can be seen from the outside.” _

 

If there is one thing that Phil had learned since he met Dan, it’s how to recognize when a smile is genuine, and when it isn’t.

The first time he ever met Dan, the first time he ever saw him smile, he knew it wasn’t a real smile. He knew that smile held a story behind it, and he knew it wasn’t a good one.

The first time he saw Dan’s real smile, wide with his teeth showing, his deep dimples on display, Phil thought for a minute that he just might believe in God.

Today, Dan’s smile was genuine. Today, they had both woken up happy. It was almost ten o’clock in the morning when they opened their eyes for the first time that day. They were in Phil’s bed, Phil’s back to Dan’s front, as Dan held him close. 

When Phil felt Dan give him a light squeeze, he turned around.

“Morning,” he said, his voice groggy.

“Morning,” Dan replied, smiling.

“Sleep well?”

“Always. You?”

“Yeah.” Phil reached over, wrapping his arm around Dan as he snuggled closer to him. Dan turned so he was lying on his back, Phil’s head now resting on his chest. “You’re comfy,” Phil said, closing his eyes again.

“You’re clingy,” Dan replied lovingly. He didn’t mind it a bit.

Dan began running his fingers through Phil’s hair. When he realized Phil was about to fall back to sleep, he moved his hands down to Phil’s back and began to poke him.

“Hey!” Phil whined. “Why?”

Dan laughed. “We’ve got stuff to get done today, doof! No going back to sleep.”

“Yes, going back to sleep.”

“No, Phil. Remember, we wanted to have a date night tonight? And we can’t do that if we don’t get our videos edited.”

Phil sighed, knowing Dan was right. They had known each other for eight months now, and had been dating for five, and tonight was their weekly date night. Except, they had missed their last three date nights due to neither of them getting their work done on time. 

Last night, they had both been determined to restore weekly date night, and Dan wasn’t going to let Phil go back on that now.

“Fine,” Phil whined, lifting up his head. He gave Dan a kiss on his chest before getting up. “I call bathroom first!” He yelled.

Dan rolled his eyes, then laid there trying to calm his heart back down. They both slept shirtless most nights, and Dan was used to having Phil’s chest pressed against his in the most innocent was possible, but they still hadn’t done anything more than kiss. But, Dan couldn’t help the way he felt when Phil’s hand would rest over his stomach, or curl around his hip, or when he’d just lean his head over and kiss Dan’s chest the way he just did.

Dan took a deep breath, then pushed the covers off of himself and got up. He had a date tonight, one he intended to keep, so he had better things to do than lie in bed and think about that.

 

They were both on the couch, laptops on their laps and headphones on, each editing a video for their main channel.

Dan had his legs stretched out, resting on the coffee table, while Phil’s laid across the couch, slightly pressed into Dan’s thigh.

Phil looked up from what he was doing to see Dan staring at his computer screen, a small smile on his face.

Phil couldn’t help but notice just how pretty Dan was when he looked happy. To Phil, Dan was always pretty, but there was just something special about him when he’d smile.

Phil took his toes and gently poked them at Dan’s leg to get his attention.

Dan looked at him with questioning eyes, pulling his headphones off of his ears.

“What’s making you so smiley?” Phil asked, taking his own headphones off as well.

“Oh!” Dan said, laughing a little at the fact he was caught. “You know when you were helping me film and you tripped and fell flat on your butt?”

“Ugh! Yes, I remember.”

“Well, I was trying to edit that out, but it’s so funny I might have to put it in at the end.”

“I’m still in pain from that, by the way,” Phil replied. “But I’m glad it’s giving you a good laugh,” he added sarcastically.

“Oh, you didn’t fall  _ that  _ hard.”

“I didn’t, did I?” Phil questioned, leaning over to put his laptop on the coffee table. He stood up and turned his back to Dan, lowering one side of his sweatpants.

Dan stared, wide-eyed for a moment, because there was the left, top half of Phil’s butt, and his first thought was that he wanted to touch it. He’d actually been thinking that a lot lately. It took him a second to realize that Phil was actually showing him a dark bruise that had formed there.

“Oh my gosh!” Dan exclaimed. “You really did hurt your butt!”

“I told you!” Phil snapped his sweatpants back up around his hips, and Dan quickly turned his eyes back to his computer before Phil could turn around.

“I’m gonna go get a drink,” Phil said. “Want anything?”

“Um, no. No, thanks,” Dan replied, clearing his throat.

“Alright. I’ll be back.”

 

They finished editing their videos around four, then spent the next hour watching a documentary on insects, which turned into them making out on the couch.

“We could just do this all night,” Phil said when they broke apart to catch their breath.

Dan smiled, leaning in and giving him another kiss. “Instead of?” He asked.

Another kiss.

“Dinner and a movie,” Phil replied.

Dan gasped, moving back from Phil. He reached over and grabbed his phone off of the couch to check the time. “I have to go get ready!” He said, starting to stand.

Phil pulled him back down. “No. Couch. Lips,” he mumbled, running a hand over Dan’s neck as he kissed him.

Dan shivered at the touch, but pulled away with a smile and a laugh. “Do not make me tickle you, Phil. We spent all day editing so we could go out tonight. I’m going to get my shower.” Dan got up and headed back to the bathroom.

“Dan!” Phil whined.

“Hush! Upload your video and get dressed!”

 

After a lovely dinner, where Phil admitted he was glad they decided to leave the house, they headed to the movie theater.

Their theater was fairly empty, as the movie they were seeing had been out for a while, but they were grateful for that.

They got a seat near the back, then waited for the lights to dim.

“I’ve missed this,” Dan said, looking over at Phil. “We need to stop skipping date nights.”

“Yeah, we do. I guess we both just enjoy being home so much that we forget it’s nice to leave the flat too.”

Dan smiled at Phil, and Phil wished he could kiss Dan’s dimples right then. It was one of his favorite features on Dan. Every time he got to see Dan’s real, dimply smile, it felt like a gift. Even if he had already seen it multiple times that day. “I love you, Phil,” Dan stated simply.

“I love you too.”

As the lights began to dim, Dan slipped his hand into Phil’s and squeezed. It was a simple gesture, but one Phil loved. 

Throughout the movie, Phil couldn’t help but notice how snuggly Dan seemed to be. It wasn’t that Phil minded, it was just different from how Dan usually was when they were in public.

By the middle of the movie, Dan had his head resting on Phil’s shoulder, and his leg pressed up against Phil’s.

There was no one behind them, so it didn’t matter if they were closer than usual tonight. Phil just knew it was different for Dan. He didn’t let himself think too much of it though. Cuddling was his favorite thing to do, so he accepted every touch Dan gave without hesitation.

 

When they got back home, they changed into pyjamas and sat down on the couch. It was fairly late, but they both wanted to spend some time on their computers before heading to bed.

Phil was scrolling through Twitter, answering some questions about his video, when he felt someone staring at him.

As he looked up, Dan quickly moved his eyes back to his laptop, slightly biting at his bottom lip.

“What is it?” Phil asked.

“Huh? Oh, nothing.”

Phil went back to answering questions, getting through three more before getting the same feeling again.

He quickly looked up at Dan, for Dan to do the same thing he did before.

“Why do you keep staring at me?” Phil asked. “Is there something on my face?”

“What? No, of course not.”

“Then what is it?”

“I’m not staring at you, you goof. Go back to tweeting or whatever you’re doing.”

Phil eyed Dan suspiciously, then turned back to his laptop.

He bent his knees up on the couch, slouching down so Dan’s face was now out of his view. If Dan wasn’t going to tell him why he was staring, then Phil was going to prevent him from staring.

A few more minutes passed, and Phil couldn’t take it anymore. He had heard Dan moving around, and he knew he was still being watched. He went to push his legs out and ask what Dan was doing, when his laptop was suddenly being lifted from his lap.

“Oh… Okay,” Phil said as Dan put the laptop on the ground. 

“Scooch,” Dan said, waving for Phil to move over.

Phil moved closer to the edge of the couch, turning onto his side. This was something he and Dan found themselves doing often, and it always made him glad that they chose a wider-than-normal couch for their place.

Dan nestled into the space between Phil and the couch, wrapping an arm around Phil’s waist before leaning in and giving him a kiss.

“Is this what the staring was for?” Phil asked with a smile.

“I wasn’t staring,” Dan insisted.

“You very much were,” Phil replied before kissing Dan again. “But I don’t mind.”

Dan smiled, blushing slightly. “Shut up,” he said, moving his hand down to Phil’s hip as they kissed again.

It started out soft and slow, like it usually always was. But, after a few minutes, Phil’s arm had found its way to Dan’s hip, and Dan’s hand was making its way under Phil’s shirt, pressing firmly against his back. The kiss wasn’t soft and slow anymore, but filled with a heat that Phil hadn't expected- not that he minded at all.

“I love you,” Dan said as they broke apart for air, chests heaving.

“I lo-”

Dan cut him off with another kiss. He moved from Phil’s lips, to his cheek, and down to his neck.

Phil couldn’t help but moan. Even though they had been together for months, they had definitely never done anything like this before, and God, it felt good.

Dan began to move, pushing Phil back slightly so Dan could be laying over him.

“Whoa!” Phil said, quickly reaching an arm over Dan to hold onto the back of the couch. “I’m gonna fall off if we do that,” he said with a laugh.

“Let’s go to the bedroom then,” Dan replied, not laughing at all.

Phil knew that Dan was not saying that they should get ready to go to sleep. He could tell by the look on Dan’s face that he meant something else entirely.

“Wait,” Phil said, becoming serious. “Are you… Are you sure?”

Dan nodded, biting at his bottom lip. “Yes, I’m sure.”

Phil sat up and Dan moved back so he was resting on his knees.

“Cause you know I’m fine if you’re not,” Phil continued. “It’s okay, I promise.”

“No, I know that. I want to.”

“But if you-”

“Phil,” Dan interrupted. He leaned forward, giving Phil a soft kiss as his hand came to rest on the back of Phil’s neck. “Please?”

Phil stared into Dan’s eyes, nodding slowly, Dan’s warm breath hitting his cheek. He took Dan’s hand in his and squeezed, “Okay.”

 

When Phil woke up the next morning, he turned over to snuggle closer to Dan. It was then that he found out that Dan wasn’t in the bed. 

That wasn’t odd. While Dan didn’t keep to a certain schedule anymore, he would often wake up before Phil.

Phil threw the covers back, got up, and started looking around for his pants. He found them discarded under Dan’s pyjama shirt. He put his pants and Dan’s shirt on, then headed out to the living room.

“Dan?” Phil called out when he saw Dan wasn’t in the living room.

No answer.

He went into the kitchen. No Dan.

He made his way back to the bedrooms again, then stopped when he heard a noise come from the bathroom.

“Dan?” 

“Yeah?” Dan answered a couple of seconds later.

“Oh, I just didn’t know where you were.”

The door swung open, and Dan was standing there, dressed in black, skinny jeans and a black t-shirt. “I’m right here,” he said, giving Phil a smile.

A smile that did not reach his eyes.

“Good morning,” Phil said, reaching over and taking Dan’s hand in his. He squeezed it gently, just like they always did.

“Morning,” Dan replied. He sounded overly-happy. He wouldn’t look directly at Phil for too long, adjusting his gaze every few seconds. He let go of Phil’s hand, then moved around him in the doorway. “Toilet’s all yours,” he said, already walking down the hall toward the living room.

 

After using the bathroom, Phil walked back out to the living room. Dan was sitting on the couch, his laptop on his lap as he scrolled down tumblr.

“Dan?” Phil began cautiously.

“Yeah?”

“You okay?”

Dan turned to him briefly, flashing him a smile. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

Phil recognized that smile. It was one he had seen many times when he and Dan were first getting to know each other. It was the smile he saw the first day they met. It was the smile he saw in Starbucks the week after Dan almost kissed him. It was the smile he saw when Dan’s parents visited. It was the smile he saw when Dan was annoyed at him for something but wasn’t willing to tell him what.

Needless to say, Phil knew that Dan wasn’t fine.

“Do you… Do you want to talk about last night?” Phil asked, not wanting to push the subject, but also wanting to find out what was wrong.

“Phil, I’m really busy trying to edit this video,” Dan replied with a sigh, standing up and walking out of the living room.

Phil heard him walk back to his own room and shut the door. “Okay,” Phil said to himself, feeling confused and a little hurt.

 

Dan spent most of the day in his room, only coming out to get food or go to the toilet.

Phil would try to talk to him, but Dan would only respond with a single word or a grunt.

By midnight, Phil had moved past confused and hurt, and was now just annoyed.

He walked over to Dan’s room and knocked on the door.

“What?” Dan called out.

“Can I come in?”

“I’m busy,” Dan replied.

“It’ll just take a minute.”

A few seconds went by before Phil heard an irritated. “Alright.”

Phil opened the door but remained in the doorway, staring over at Dan, who was sitting on his bed with his laptop in front of him.

“Still editing?” Phil asked.

“Yeah,” Dan said, not bothering to look over at Phil.

“I thought you finished your video yesterday? You said you were gonna upload it today.”

“Yes, well, I thought I was done but I’m not.”

Phil leaned against the doorframe. “Are you mad at me?” He asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

“What? No, of course not.”

“Then why won’t you look at me?”

Dan rolled his eyes and looked over at Phil. “I am looking at you.”

“Are you being serious right now, Dan?” Phil asked, unable to hide how annoyed he was.

“Phil, you’re being ridiculous.”

“No,  _ you  _ are being ridiculous, and I have no idea why!” Phil exclaimed. “You haven’t hardly spoken a word to me all day, and you sound like you loathe me when you do talk to me.”

“You’re imagining things. I’m just busy.”

“I’m imagi-” Phil stopped himself and took a deep breath. “No, you know what, it’s late. Are you coming to bed?”

Dan shrugged. “I’ll probably just stay in here tonight.”

Phil, who was now leaving annoyed behind and going straight to angry, walked over to Dan and shut his laptop.

Dan glared up at him. “Hey!”

“Had to get your attention somehow.” 

“Phil, I was working!”

“Oh, please, Dan! You finished that video yesterday and we both know it! Stop lying to me and tell me what’s wrong!”

“Nothing is wrong! You’re being annoying!”

Phil turned away from Dan, groaning. He put his hands on his hips, walking a few steps away from Dan, then turning back to him. “Did I do something?” He asked. “Did I hurt you? Or do you regret it all? Cause you can tell me, Dan.”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Phil!”

“Well, I do! I’m extremely confused, Dan, because I thought last night was wonderful, but apparently I was wrong!”

“You weren’t wrong!” Dan exclaimed, his voice cracking slightly as he spoke. He looked away from Phil, reaching up and tugging at his bottom lip nervously.

“Then what is it? Cause it really kind of hurts when one day your boyfriend is asking you to have sex with him, then the day after you do, he won’t speak to you anymore,” Phil replied, his own eyes filling with tears that he wished would just go away.

Dan picked at his bedspread, pulling at a loose thread in the fabric. “It’s stupid,” he said quietly, ashamed.

Phil sighed, then walked over to the bed and sat down in front of Dan. He crossed his legs, matching Dan's posture.

“I don’t care how stupid it seems to you, Dan, I’d rather know than feel the way I do right now.”

Dan was silent for a few seconds, then he slowly looked up to meet Phil’s gaze. “I wanted to have sex with you,” he explained. “I had wanted to for a long time, actually. And last night… Last night, I knew I was ready.”

Phil nodded. “Okay. I didn’t pressure you or anything, did I? Cause you know I’d never mean to do that.”

“No, no,” Dan replied quickly. “No, you never pressured me, I promise. You… You were perfect, Phil.  _ Everything  _ was perfect.”

“Okay.” Phil rubbed at his tired eyes. “Dan, I’m confused.”

“I know, I know,” Dan replied. He felt tears stinging his eyes. “I’m not explaining this well. I just… I- Phil, I’ve been told my entire life that you wait to have sex once you’re married. I heard this on almost a daily basis from the time I hit puberty on. It was drilled into my head every day, and I always accepted that.” 

Dan took a deep breath. He felt so stupid, and childish, and that was making the tears worse. Before he could stop it, one tear fell down his cheek. “Recently I had started questioning that, because I felt ready. Being with you- having sex with you- it felt right. It’s what I wanted. And last night-” Dan reached over and took Phil’s hand in his, resting it between their legs. “Last night was absolutely perfect. I promise, you did nothing wrong. It’s just me. When I woke up this morning, I saw you there, and I was naked and you were naked, and I was happy. I was so happy, Phil. Then I got up, and I went to the bathroom, and I looked in the mirror, and I heard them.”

“Who?” Phil asked, his voice gentle and soothing to Dan’s ears.

“My parents, my old pastors, my teachers. I looked in the mirror and I was dirty. My pastor always said that once a person’s virginity was gone, if they weren’t married when it was taken, then they were used goods. And when I looked at myself, that’s how I felt.”

“Because of me?” Phil questioned. He couldn’t help but feel pain, especially seeing how hurt this all made Dan.

“No, not because of you. I mean it, Phil.” Dan’s bottom lip trembled and more tears made tracks down his face. “I swear to you that you were everything I ever wanted for a first time. Please believe that. It’s just… It’s just, my brain. Every time I want to be happy, they pop into my head and they screw everything up, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Phil. I really didn’t mean to ignore you. I wasn’t mad at you, I just couldn’t… I couldn’t get their words out of my head.”

Phil scooted closer to Dan so their knees were touching. He used his free hand to reach up and wipe Dan’s tears from his face. “I hate to see you cry,” he said.

Dan leaned into Phil’s touch. “I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you too.” They sat there silently for a moment, both of them staring down at Dan’s bedspread.

“You know,” Phil said, breaking the silence. “If it means so much to you, we can wait until we’re married before we do it again.”

Dan looked up at him. “What?”

Phil shrugged. “I wouldn’t mind. I mean, will I miss it? Definitely. It was… It was amazing. But, I wouldn’t mind waiting if that made you more comfortable.”

“I was… I meant ‘What?’ about the marriage part.”

“Oh. Well, yeah, I mean you’re it to me, Dan. I have no doubt that I’ll want to be with you forever. Married or not doesn’t matter to me, but if it does to you, then that’s what we’ll do.”

Unable to find proper words at the moment, Dan leaned forward, holding onto Phil’s face as he kissed him. “You’re my forever too,” he said once he pulled away from Phil.

Phil smiled. “Good. So, is that problem solved then?”

Dan thought for a second, then shook his head. “I don’t want to have to wait until we’re married, Phil. I really don’t. I made that decision a while ago, and I decided to finalize it last night. That was what  _ I  _ wanted. All this other stuff,” he said, pointing to his head. “That’s what they all want, not me.”

“So… Maybe we’ll just have to work on shutting everyone else up then, won’t we?”

Dan nodded. “Yeah, we will.”

“Then that’s what we’ll do. Now, will you please come to bed with me? I’m tired and I’d really like to cuddle you tonight.”

“Ugh! All you ever want to do is cuddle,” Dan replied with a smile. A real one this time, Phil noted. One that reached his eyes and fully displayed his dimples.

“Is that a yes?” Phil asked.

“Yes, it’s a yes, you nerd!”

 

The next morning, Dan woke up to Phil sound asleep beside him. Sometime during the night, Phil had rolled off of Dan’s chest and onto his own pillow, so Dan took a moment to just stare at his boyfriend before getting up.

He put on a t-shirt to go with his pyjama bottoms and headed to the toilet.

When he got there, the first thing he noticed was a piece of paper taped to the mirror.

Seeing as he hadn’t done it himself, and it wasn’t there last night, he knew Phil must’ve done it sometime after Dan fell asleep.

He pulled the paper off the mirror and began to read. It was a poem. A beautiful poem. One where each line made Dan’s heart beat a little bit faster.

Once he was finished, he taped it back to the center of the mirror, covering over his face.

He knew this poem wouldn’t be a cure-all, but he didn’t dwell on that right now. All he thought about was the fact that, right now, he felt loved, he felt beautiful, and he felt clean.

 

_ The Mirror Poem _

 

_ Never trust a mirror, for a mirror always lies, _

_ It makes you think that all you’re worth,  _

_ can be seen from the outside. _

_ Never trust a mirror,  _

_ it only shows you what’s skin deep, _

_ You can’t see how your eyelids flutter,  _

_ when you’re drifting off to sleep. _

_ It doesn’t show you what the world sees  _

_ when you’re only being you,  _

_ Or how your eyes light up,  _

_ when you’re loving what you do. _

_ It doesn’t capture when you’re smiling,  _

_ where no-one else can see, _

_ And your reflection cannot tell you,  _

_ everything you mean to me. _

_ Never trust a mirror, for it only shows your skin, _

_ And if you think that dictates your worth,  _

_ it’s time you looked within. _

 

_ -Erin Hanson _

**Author's Note:**

> This took forever to write and I hope it turned out at least halfway decent. Let me know!  
> Thank you guys so much!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


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